Lady Lumps

From a discussion about weight gain in areas other than the too-often-celebrated “baby bump”:

Me: “Ha! ‘Lovely Lady Lumps,’ my butt!”
Them: “… Well, yes, actually.”

*headdesk*

Dear Broodling (part 4)

Dear Broodling,
I have come to question your recent eating habits.

I know you can’t feel it because you’re shielded by amniotic fluid and regulated by my internal mechanisms and whatnot, but it’s a brisk 52 degrees outside. Having just moved from Arizona, my thin skin is not yet acclimated to the Seattle climate, so I am currently wearing two sweaters, a jacket, three pairs of pants, two pairs of socks, and slippers. I am also considering wrapping up in the electric blanket I’ve been told not to use because the electromagnetic waves might damage your delicate, rapidly forming nervous system.

With that in mind, I simply have to ask: why are we craving ice cream for breakfast? And not just ice cream, but three bowls of slightly melted air-infused Breyer’s double French Vanilla? I have breakfast foods that I thought would be perfectly reasonable for us and have often loved in the past–sourdough muffins, eggs and cheese, and yogurt. But lo: you snub the eggs, make me throw up after the yogurt, and despise the smell of the muffins.

While I recognize that ice cream is a tastier source of dairy than many of the foods that we’ve tried, I refuse to bow to your logic because there isn’t any that I can see.

Also, stop craving cold Chipotle burritos for lunch. After buying all of the breakfast foods that we’re not going to be eating, your father and I can’t afford them as often as you want them.

Love,
Your slightly confused but overly hungry mom. 

Love,
Your slightly confused but overly hungry mom.

Dear Broodling (part 3)

Dear Broodling,
Hey, remember when I blamed you for making me more nauseated than I could stand? Well, apparently it’s not all your fault. The iron and folic acid in my prenatal vitamin has been exacerbating the condition, so I’ve done what any responsible pregant woman prone to panic attacks wouldn’t do: I’ve stopped taking it entirely–at least until I can obtain a better-quality prescription.

I’m also:
-using an electric blanket
-eating soft cheeses
-drinking the occasional Barq’s root beer
-consuming enough chocolate to cover a field of strawberries
-sucking down peppermint and nutmeg
-sleeping on my back
-inhaling spicy and fried foods smothered in butter
-not exercising (and not correcting my posture)
-taking moderately hot baths
-planning to paint the nursery by myself.

There are also a lot of things I should be doing, but I’m tired of shoulding on myself. If you do end up with (check applicable: [ ] low birth weight, [ ] being born prematurely, [ ] ancephly, [ ] pulmonary valve stenosis, [ ] spina bifida) defects, I am perfectly willing to take responsibility for my terrible habits as a primigravida.

Thankfully, our first OB appointment is this Friday, so I’ll see what I can do about getting a prenatal that doesn’t make me so sick. You need your nutrients after all, right? Please don’t leech them from my bones.

Much love,
Your already-failing mother.