Ob·sti·nate [ob-stuh-nit], adj.

I’ve really begun to hate eating.

“What!” People who’ve known me for any length of time say. “That’s crazy; you love food!”

Yeah. I did… But, like anything I’m told to do, I resent it now. My usual response to “you should do x” or “you must do y” to is snarl and dig my heels in. “How dare they!” I rant, regardless of who “they” are and whether or not they actually have my best interests at heart (which is generally the case). “They don’t know me!” Eventually, I’ll calm down and take a more objective look at the situation to determine whether the advice is worth following.

Is this immature? Sure. Passive-aggressive? Absolutely. Unreasonable? Most of the time, but especially now.

Now I’ve been told I need to gain 35 pounds in the next three months. I need to eat, they say, and I need to eat a lot. My intense, knee-jerk reaction is to stop eating altogether, and my crazy brain has no trouble coming up with excuses not to eat: If I eat this, I’ll throw up. (Sadly true most of the time.) This tastes nasty. This isn’t going to help me gain weight! Why bother?  I’d think I had an eating disorder if this reaction didn’t happen in other areas of my life as well.

So where am I going with this?

Obviously, it’s not just me that will be affected by my stupidity this time around, so I’m trying to ignore those unbidden thought patterns I’ve cultivated over the years and eat something. But it really is harder than I thought it would be: my stomach is tiny, and I’m just not used to packing away this many calories over the course of a day. But if I don’t gain weight, and soon, the effects on Nolan will be devestating.  What to do?

Luckily, my solution came on the radio: I need to bring all the boys to the yard (note: link is suprisingly work safe). In other words, I need to make use of that Cusinart blender I recieved as a wedding present to make weight-gain shakes. How simple! Why haven’t I thought of this before?

So here’s where you come in, reader–send me your best milkshake recipes! Bonus points for shakes that boast large amounts of protein (preferably without using a powder). And, just for fun, here’s an extra contest: I currently have eighteen 8oz bottles of vanilla-flavored Ensure drinks which are absolutely disgusting. If you can design a recipe to make those palatable, I will personally bake you a batch of green tea cookies.